One-Word Resolution

We're almost halfway through the first month of the year, and I'm just now nailing down my New Year's resolution. It's not that it wasn't on my mind on January 1; it was. It's that it takes longer to settle on only one.

In the past, I've set resolutions in various areas of my life: physical, spiritual, emotional, financial, etc. The volume of resolutions overwhelmed me. I couldn't keep all the plates spinning and felt like a failure at the end of each year. I knew I needed to change the method to my madness, so I came up with a new plan that I instituted last year.

Towards the end of 2007, my writers' group wrote a book of Advent devotionals. The first one I wrote under the theme of "prepare" dealt with how Mary spent Advent. After finding out she was pregnant with the Christ child, she went to visit her cousin Elizabeth to celebrate what God was doing in their lives and spent three months with her. This idea of Mary focusing on relationships--with her family and with her God--during such a pivotal point in her life spoke to me. For years, my to-do list had controlled how I spent my time, luring me to choose to accomplish tasks over investing time with friends and family. I wanted that to stop, and so I chose a one-word resolution for 2008: relationships.

I can't say that I mastered relationships last year. My resolve was tested while I was teaching, and I often didn't do the best job of balancing relationships with that added job. But I can say that by making that one word my focus, I spent a lot more time thinking about relationships than I ever had and chose them more often than tasks.

As I began 2009, I wanted to choose another one-word focus. But choosing just one word out of all the things I want to improve on or add to my life is difficult. I want to show more love, to reflect more joy, to experience more peace. But ultimately, none of these is possible if I'm constantly doing battle with fear. Not just the fear of flying, but fears of illness and loneliness and even typing this out here. And now that I have, I know I will be tested. It's inevitable; after all, I've been being tested for a long time and succumbed. But now I want to conquer them. And that can only come through trust.

So "trust" it is for 2009. I'm buckling my seat belt for this one because you can't be too careful around a loaded word like that.

Today's Convicting Encounter

I arrived to pick up my dry cleaning this evening and noticed that the lady behind the counter was smiling one of those contagious smiles as she waited on the man ahead of me. He left without speaking to her.

I stepped forward and gave the lady my claim ticket. She happily retrieved my clothes. I considered not saying anything more than thank you, but I felt prompted to ask her about the reason for her smile.

"You seem really happy," I finally said.

"Oh, yes! I happy all the time!" (She continued to smile as she spoke.)

"I wish I could be happy all the time," I caught myself saying.

"I happy because I read Buble," she says. I guess the mispronunciation made me have a confused look on my face because she quickly walked over and pointed to her open Bible.

I'm reading through the chronological Bible right now, and my curiosity got the best of me. So I had to ask, "What chapter are you reading?"

"Genesis," she said while continuing to beam.

"Me, too. I'm looking forward to finishing it tomorrow." She nodded as I left.

As I put my clothes in the car, I couldn't help but wonder how many people that lady has inspired, all because of her sweet smile and her willingness to give the Reason for it.

Father God, as I go about my day, please help my countenance to reflect joy and contentment so that I may point others to You. Thank you for putting this woman in my path today as a gentle reminder of how my heart longs to change and look more like Yours.

Hope Abounds

Last week, I struggled with hope. Not with having it but with trying to explain it. I needed to write a devotional on hope. Examples weren't hard to come by. Neither was the Reason for my hope. But the task---attempting to put into words why hope continues in the face of bad news or after years and years of hoping for the same thing---seemed impossible.

For instance, I know that at least five of my friends are currently struggling with infertility. Each couple longs to have a child. I'm not sure what each couple's "hope-ometer" reading is right now; more than likely, some readings are higher than others depending on the day.

I talked with one of those friends today, and her "hope-ometer" revealed that it was running on empty. She's recently received some difficult news, which made her question whether God loves her. She wondered why God would give her a desire and then not fulfill that desire. She asked whether I had hope that God would fulfill the desire on my heart.

In all honesty, I believe He will. I don't know when or how; I just have the hope that He will. I don't know how God fills up my "hope-ometer"; I just know that He can and that He does. I guess I would equate it with knowing that God can and does heal people, but I don't understand how He does it. Sometimes the healing is instantaneous, and sometimes it takes years, like with my friend Bekah.

I'd love to hear what y'all, my faithful readers, think. What do you know to be true about hope? How have you continued to hope in the face of despair? You don't have to leave your name, but don't be shy about answering.

14 Inches

Fourteen inches. That’s all. Sounds like a short enough distance that I could hop on one leg while blindfolded and still make it. But that’s not the leap at issue.

These fourteen inches are from my mind to my heart. And somehow, because of where those inches are located, the distance seems much greater. Just ask the nerves that run between the two organs. Mine are probably a bit weary from the constant battle.

My heart: I feel unseen, unwanted, unchosen.

My mind: Just believe the Truth. (John 8:32)

My battle isn’t the only one like this. I talked to a friend today whose heart-mind battle looked a lot like mine but with different words. This friend said that family members affirmed that the outcome of a situation was good, but the heart couldn’t grasp that. It was holding onto a history of feelings. And the mind, which wanted to believe that all was well, was not sold on that outcome just yet. It was still allowing the heart to take the reins. And so the fourteen-inch battle was still in full swing.

To get my mind on top of my battle, I need to be willing to reject any feelings that are not consistent with the Truth. And I want to do that. It’s just, I get stuck sometimes with my heart on a different page than my mind. It’s as if my heart has taken my brain hostage, intercepted all the signals from my brain, and is directing the communication. My brain, which is powerful enough to solve calculus problems without any direction from my heart, is having trouble taking back over command central.

They say, “Pick your battles.” But, I’m not sure that I personally ever got a vote on this particular battle that my heart and mind started waging years ago. I’m signing off from the battlegrounds today, but I can’t say it will be the last time that my pesky heart stirs up trouble.