Guest Posting

Today, I'm posting on worship (not the starstruck-American Idol type) over at Morning Coffee with Renae today, so visit me there.

Reveling

This weekend, I reveled in the God who sees. Not who "saw" (past tense) but who "sees" (present tense). That was the theme of our church's second annual women's retreat. And it couldn't have been more perfect.

When my prayers go unanswered, I often wonder if God truly sees me. Does He see my desires? Do I matter to Him? I know the Sunday-school answer to these questions, but I struggle with believing the Truth about God's character. That He is omniscient and sees the tiniest of details, like the number of hairs on my head, as well as the huge desires that scream from my heart.

With a topic like that, I'm thankful that we had author Mary DeMuth at the helm leading us through our three sessions: (1) He sees your past, (2) He sees your secret fears, and (3) He sees your hectic todays. I've been a fan of Mary's since last year when I "met" her through my friend Tina's blog. I've even read some of Mary's books. But this weekend was the first time I got to meet her in person and put a spoken voice with her written words.

As I mentioned to Tina, I knew that Mary's writings were authentic, but I thought she might withhold just a little of herself when speaking before a group of women. Thankfully, I was wrong. We got the "unplugged" version of Mary as she bravely shared her story--a story filled with numerous hurts that have been covered by God's grace. To hear Mary's story and see her today, one can't help but believe in our redemptive God and know that He sees it all and redeems it all.

Retreats often appear to be fun getaways, and this one was to an extent. But it also opened my eyes to some heartwork that needs to get done.

And yet, even with a four-day weekend, I managed only to dip my toe into the pool of what God wants to teach me and instead chose to immerse myself in housework the rest of the time. Mostly because I can see an immediate difference after I vacuum and mop the floors whereas heartwork is a process, often without instant results. So now I have shiny floors to reflect my disobedience and my urge to run from God's call to sit at His feet. And somehow their shininess isn't as attractive as I thought it would be.

Ever have the urge to run away after a retreat? I have to wonder if maybe that's why they call them retreats.

Worship - Vertical Cadaver Style

In my community group, we are continuing our study of the book Satisfy My Thirsty Soul. Chapter 4 is entitled "Expanding My Worship Experience, and in it, Linda Dillow shares an email written by Dr. Sam Storms entitled "I Saw Joni Dance." The email describes how Joni Eareckson Tada, a quadriplegic and renown speaker, moved her wheelchair forward, backward, and side to side as the worship music played during one of her speaking events. Dr. Storms commented in his email, "I had to ask myself why I often stand like a vertical cadaver. I have the glorious gift and privilege of being able to celebrate God and honor Him with my body. I can kneel, lift my hands to heaven, fall prostrate, clap, and yes, move to the right and left and dance."

Isn't that convicting? It was to me, a vertical cadaver worshiper through and through.

I am not a dancer. The few people I have danced with can attest to that. Dancing makes me uncomfortable. I like things with rules and dancing is so . . . free. In my rule-loving world, I want to know choreographed moves for the whole song. It's foreign to me to let the music lead my movement, like a child hearing a song for the first time.

I think that's why it's hard for me to worship with free movement of my body. I don't allow the Holy Spirit to direct my movement. I do it my way. And the weird thing is, I don't stand out. Most people seem to worship the same way I do.

I can't attest to what's going on inside them, and I won't try. I know that I often feel things deeply during worship, but I don't let them show on my face. Or in my movement, or lack thereof.

Even as I focus on the church altar and watch the light of the candles, wiggling and dancing as they are coaxed by the air conditioning, I cannot say that I don't long for that kind of free, unchoreographed movement. But, I'm simply not there yet in my worship. Part of that is the fear of being watched or standing out from the crowd, and part of that is me wanting to be in control.

I know that this isn't something that I can get past on my own. I have to ask for help, and then I must listen for direction and obey. No matter what that looks like or feels like. Because in the end, worship is part of my love offering to God.